On a cold day, with stress and cats, and hindsight… February 6, 2009

I love my cats. I love their soft fur, their curious ears, the intelligence in their eyes. When I’ve had a bad day, they are there for me. When I sit in bed working on schoolwork, they are here. Sometimes trying to lie on the keyboard as I type. Other times curling up into three furry balls on the bed around me. One is on my honey’s pillow, curled tight and holding his legs to his face like he’s preparing to jump into the pool as a cannonball. Another is at the foot of the bed, quiet and oddly un-mischievous. The third and oldest is next to the laptop, sleeping on a pillow with her nose tucked under her arm. All of their breaths I hear in the silence of my typing and their rest.

I have a guilt that derives from not spending enough time with them and not showing enough interest when they want my attention. But this world makes me go so fast. Or is that a lie? Do I just go along with it because that’s the norm? I just want to step off and have a break. I want to enjoy my life. But I can’t remember how.

Remember when I was going to be a singer? And then I was too afraid to try out for a scholarship because I smoked a few cigarettes? Remember how those cigarettes turned into more over the next few years, and I got further off track? “What will I be when I grow up? What do I like? What does one do?” I didn’t know. I tried voice in college, but the distractions. How do you balance it all? I couldn’t find a way. I ended up following the wrong crowd very far down a bad path and spent so many years finding my way back.

Maybe I am still lost. The path has so many twisting offshoots at this point, it’s tough for me to tell. So I go on every day and do what is scheduled for me. And little free time remains for me to wonder if I should’ve done something else. So here I am. In a moment of reflection, remembering that I went into nursing because it was secure, might be interesting, and would leave time for me to live my life and pursue singing. Back when I still focused on singing. It didn’t leave time…or either I didn’t. I don’t know the truth.

The years away from the stage have allowed fear to grow in the place where joy existed. I always had a touch of stage fright, but nothing that deterred me from pursuing the part. Now life feels like one long chore. One very long requirement that is so fatiguing and minimally rewarding. When I finish this grad program will I pursue singing? Will I motivate myself to seek out those opportunities? Or have I given it up forever in search of the few moments during which I can be alone and in peace away from the world? I love those moments until they are interrupted by the dread of having to do something again. How did I end up on this path following someone else’s dream? Does anyone actually love what they do and truly enjoy life?

I think it’s a joke to label thoughts such as these as depression. I’ve tried that route, but that isn’t it, and no therapy or pill changes the truth of what your heart tells your mind. This is reality. And reality isn’t pretty, it isn’t fun, and it isn’t what you always dreamed about. So I am thankful for what I have. And I am grateful to my cats. They show me love and understanding, patience and comfort when the world around me has none to offer. I wish I could offer them so much more. But they are so sweet and simple, they’d never worry about such things. So instead of worrying, they are here, in this bed, resting all around me as I do my best to focus on what the world requires of me and what I am obligated to contribute for all of the days of my life until I have nothing left to give. They are angels, best friends, guardians, and security blankets.

Is there any job that I want to do?
No. Even as a singer I would be forced to meet deadlines, accept criticism, and would have a tough time supporting myself.
So even if this grad program is the wrong path, there is no better path that I can visualize other than not working at all. So here I am. Here I am. Here I am. Here I will be for the rest of my life. I will do the best I can with what I have and try to enjoy it the best I can. What other choice do I have?