There is no way I have time enough to write what I need to say.
The gist is that I was told of the rejections and the minimal chance at success. I was warned of the poor earning potential. The likelihood of always working additional jobs to make ends meet. I was given the lectures about being responsible. I was frightened into believing it wasn’t worthwhile to follow my love of music into a career. I justified turning my focus elsewhere, just as I’d been taught. “You have to be responsible. You have to find job security.” And I added my own twist, “I wouldn’t want to end up just a music teacher.” That’s true. I wouldn’t. But GOD I miss music. I miss singing. I miss the fulfillment. I feel empty. I hate this graduate program. I hate that I am in debt up to my ears and I’m only halfway through the program. If only I could quit. Sitting through class is excrutiating. I come home and Vivaldi – BEAUTIFUL concertos – fill my ears. There IS NO “loud enough.” I can’t drown the years I’ve spent chasing “job security.” Maybe they were all right about my temperament though. I’m so tender-hearted. I couldn’t take the rejection of people disliking my voice. And I rationalize that there is no real reason to professionally pursue music, because the judgement of others seen through success in music – really isn’t important. Being happy within myself is what matters. But I’m not happy. I don’t even know if I understand how to be happy at the point. I’ve removed myself so far from the things I love. Thank goodness for a wonderful husband. For our wonderful pets. But otherwise, this world can go to hell. I’m so tired of looking for happiness in friendships and being shown the ugly side of people. I wish so much for a way to change things. But there is no way. I just have to get through this program and finally have this job that will provide me financial security…supposedly. But will I be happy? I enjoy the job. But I don’t love it. I don’t want to live and breathe it. God how I miss music. How I wish that I could write, sing, perform, and hear music all day. Drown out the ugliness in this life with beautiful sounds. We are sent down certain paths for so many reasons. I hope mine blossoms. I hope I can find my music again one day.
