In class today I felt an anxiety attack brewing. I told it to go away. Nowadays that works for me. Usually. But my mind went fuzzy. My hands started going tingly. I had to think about what normal breathing was, while trying to make myself do it. Focus on the lecture. This can’t be happening. I could feel myself trying to breathe. Trying to remain calm though my insides all at once felt poisoned. I was shaking. Maybe I drank too much caffeine, but that was hours ago. Maybe my blood sugar dropped. Maybe I drank too much Gatorade. Can Gatorade make you sick? I looked at the nutrition label. Only 1% of the daily value of potassium in each serving, and I drank 3 servings. That shouldn’t cause such a feeling, right? I tried all of my mental calming tactics. I took a bite of yogurt. It tasted funny. Maybe it had soured. I was scared to take another bite. I closed the lid and shoved it aside. Rush of heat to my face, chills in my arms. Please let me make it through this class. We were near the end of the 3 hrs. I wanted to run out of the room. Being alone feels safer in moments like this. But I was in a room of well-educated health professionals. If I passed out (which I thought was approaching as I became dizzier), they could help me. I remained seated. 45 minutes felt like days. He released us. I hurried into the hall and tore out another snack to boost my sugar. I was quaking with fear and this horrible feeling. It didn’t help. The snack did nothing. I encountered a few other students on my way out of the door, as I juggled the ideas of leaving for the day, despite a full schedule of classes. Blah blah blah. I tried to communicate and act normal. It wasn’t working. I had to leave.
Now at home I still feel “off” despite having made myself eat again hoping that would comfort this wicked distortion in my body. Maybe it is stress. I work on mindless tasks for school, because napping would mean sleeping poorly tonight. But I feel like half of my mind is on holiday very far away. What did I eat? Is this the flu? I’m no longer shaking, but I feel drained and confused. I hate that I seem to be less healthy than so many others. I try to take care of myself. I don’t understand.
