In this program, in my clinicals, I am not supposed to defend myself. I am not supposed to defend my actions…unless asked. When a preceptor tells me I am doing something wrong and to do it “his” way, I am happy to do that. I also try to explain the reason I was performing the action in such a way. I want to provide a rationale, if you will.
Well.
Apparently that is considered “negative” and that I don’t take criticism or direction. HUH? But. I. We are supposed to just say, “thank you” and move on. I. Uh. What?! THE? FUCK!!!! I really don’t mean any harm by explaining myself. I guess I explain my actions because I don’t want them to think I’m stupid. Or maybe I’m just filling the air with words to fill the moment? What? I have no idea how to communicate with people. Clearly the title of my previous post rings true. I don’t even REALIZE when I am miscommunicating. I just try to talk about what seems relevant. IF I HAD IT MY WAY I WOULD STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE COMPLETELY BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND SO GODDAMNED TIRED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD.
How do I know I was misunderstood? We have these lovely evaluations – I just read the one he wrote. It was like, “good, good, good, good, BAD, good good, see comments.” Shit y’all. I feel like I am a good person. I want to be liked. I LIKE people. But then they don’t think I’m nice – or think I can’t take criticism – and then I fucking cry because I tried so hard to be superstudent and fell short. Ugh.
I wish I could be less sensitive.
